Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas (with cats)

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‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

The cat’s running wild, in pursuit of a mouse;

The stockings once hung by the chimney with flair,

Fall to the floor as fur flies through the air;

The children once nestled all snug in their beds,

Now screaming as cat’s claws run over their heads,

And Mamma in her onesie, earplugs in deep

Had just settled down for a well deserved sleep.

When out in the hallway there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the doorway I ran like a flash,

Trod on some Lego and tripped over the cats

The moon shining in on the carnage did show

That the cats had decided the mouse it must go;

Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, how did it get in here?

The tiny old driver, so nimble and quick

If the cats caught this guy they’d make breakfast of Nick.

More rapid than eagles I suddenly saw

It wasn’t a mouse but the man they abhorred

“Now! Ginger, now! Fluffy, now! Creampuff and Jason,

“Leave the old man alone, and stop with the chasin'”

To the top of the sofa! To the bench in the hall!

With his sack on his back, not a present did fall!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;

So up to the rooftop St Nicolas flew,

With the sleigh full of toys — the cats after him too!

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The scratching of claws and each magical hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound:

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

The cats in pursuit and now covered in soot;

A bundle of toys was flung on his back,

And he looked like a madman as he ran from the cats:

His eyes — how they twinkled! Countenance alert,

Breath coming fast from the chase did exert.

His droll little mouth was fixed in a line,

Determined to outrun the miniature lions;

The top of a bag ripped open with teeth,

As the cats they encircled the man like a wreath.

From his hand like confetti cat treats he did toss,

With food as a weapon the man he was boss.

He was chubby and plump, but light on his feet,

As he lay down the presents there under the tree.

A wink of his eye and a quick friendly nudge,

Soon let me know that he held no grudge.

He spoke not a word, and continued his work,

And patted the cats who’d acted like jerks;

And then all was quiet his job now complete,

He wished me good night and said get some sleep.

He sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew, while I gave Fluff a tickle:

And I heard him exclaim, as he flew through the fog —

Merry Christmas to all, that’s why I own a dog.

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Human It’s Cold Outside

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I just want to stay; no wait I’ll go outside.

I want you to play; no way, I’ll run and hide.

Now please leave me be; been hoping that you’d pet me.

Now go away, I’ll scratch your hand if you stay.

 

If you touch me you will be sorry; hey don’t walk away, what’s your hurry?

Think I’ll just be pacing the floor; no, I’ll sleep here while the fireplace roars.

No really I think I’ll scurry; get me some food now hurry.

Maybe just a half a dish more, careful don’t you step on my paw.

 

Please let me outside; no wait I’ve changed my mind.

I’ll come back inside; no wait, I’ll go outside.

I wish I knew how – you’re getting quite testy now –

To open doors; I’ll sit in your hat, it’s mine not yours.

 

I ought to say go, go, go; mind if I move in closer?

At least share the chicken you fried; what’s the sense in hurting my pride?

I really can’t stay, human don’t hold out.

Ah, but it’s cold outside.

 

I’ve got to go roam, but human I’ll freeze out there.

I’ve got a fur coat; I’ll do as I please out there.

You’ve really been grand; I think I’ll bite your hand.

Why don’t you see, it’s always gonna be about me?

 

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow; think of your life-long sorrow,

If you don’t share the chicken you fried, and I starved to death and I died.

I really must stay; but I want to go out!

Ah but it’s cold outside

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The Twelve Days of Christmas – Cat Style

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On the first day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the second day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the third day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the fourth day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the fifth day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the sixth day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

six toys for playing

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the seventh day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

seven strings for swatting

six toys for playing

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the eighth day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

eight hacked up fur balls

seven strings for swatting

six toys for playing

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the ninth day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

nine field mice wriggling

eight hacked up fur balls

seven strings for swatting

six toys for playing

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the tenth day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

ten bugs a’crawling

nine field mice wriggling

eight hacked up fur balls

seven strings for swatting

six toys for playing

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

eleven fleas a’hopping

ten bugs a’crawling

nine field mice wriggling

eight hacked up fur balls

seven strings for swatting

six toys for playing

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the twelfth day of Christmas

my kitty gave to me

twelve cicadas humming

eleven fleas a’hopping

ten bugs a’crawling

nine field mice wriggling

eight hacked up fur balls

seven strings for swatting

six toys for playing

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

by Karen Mulvey

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