Funny Cats

‘Twas the night before Christmas (with cats)

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‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

The cat’s running wild, in pursuit of a mouse;

The stockings once hung by the chimney with flair,

Fall to the floor as fur flies through the air;

The children once nestled all snug in their beds,

Now screaming as cat’s claws run over their heads,

And Mamma in her onesie, earplugs in deep

Had just settled down for a well deserved sleep.

When out in the hallway there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the doorway I ran like a flash,

Trod on some Lego and tripped over the cats

The moon shining in on the carnage did show

That the cats had decided the mouse it must go;

Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, how did it get in here?

The tiny old driver, so nimble and quick

If the cats caught this guy they’d make breakfast of Nick.

More rapid than eagles I suddenly saw

It wasn’t a mouse but the man they abhorred

“Now! Ginger, now! Fluffy, now! Creampuff and Jason,

“Leave the old man alone, and stop with the chasin'”

To the top of the sofa! To the bench in the hall!

With his sack on his back, not a present did fall!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;

So up to the rooftop St Nicolas flew,

With the sleigh full of toys — the cats after him too!

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The scratching of claws and each magical hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound:

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

The cats in pursuit and now covered in soot;

A bundle of toys was flung on his back,

And he looked like a madman as he ran from the cats:

His eyes — how they twinkled! Countenance alert,

Breath coming fast from the chase did exert.

His droll little mouth was fixed in a line,

Determined to outrun the miniature lions;

The top of a bag ripped open with teeth,

As the cats they encircled the man like a wreath.

From his hand like confetti cat treats he did toss,

With food as a weapon the man he was boss.

He was chubby and plump, but light on his feet,

As he lay down the presents there under the tree.

A wink of his eye and a quick friendly nudge,

Soon let me know that he held no grudge.

He spoke not a word, and continued his work,

And patted the cats who’d acted like jerks;

And then all was quiet his job now complete,

He wished me good night and said get some sleep.

He sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew, while I gave Fluff a tickle:

And I heard him exclaim, as he flew through the fog —

Merry Christmas to all, that’s why I own a dog.

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Human It’s Cold Outside

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I just want to stay; no wait I’ll go outside.

I want you to play; no way, I’ll run and hide.

Now please leave me be; been hoping that you’d pet me.

Now go away, I’ll scratch your hand if you stay.

 

If you touch me you will be sorry; hey don’t walk away, what’s your hurry?

Think I’ll just be pacing the floor; no, I’ll sleep here while the fireplace roars.

No really I think I’ll scurry; get me some food now hurry.

Maybe just a half a dish more, careful don’t you step on my paw.

 

Please let me outside; no wait I’ve changed my mind.

I’ll come back inside; no wait, I’ll go outside.

I wish I knew how – you’re getting quite testy now –

To open doors; I’ll sit in your hat, it’s mine not yours.

 

I ought to say go, go, go; mind if I move in closer?

At least share the chicken you fried; what’s the sense in hurting my pride?

I really can’t stay, human don’t hold out.

Ah, but it’s cold outside.

 

I’ve got to go roam, but human I’ll freeze out there.

I’ve got a fur coat; I’ll do as I please out there.

You’ve really been grand; I think I’ll bite your hand.

Why don’t you see, it’s always gonna be about me?

 

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow; think of your life-long sorrow,

If you don’t share the chicken you fried, and I starved to death and I died.

I really must stay; but I want to go out!

Ah but it’s cold outside

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Carol of the Noms

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Meow! How the smells,

Sweet yummy smells

All seem to say,

“Feed me all day.”

Christmas is good

Bring me my food,

And make it quick

Lest I grow sick.

Om, nom, om, nom,

That is the song

With lots of food

We’ll all be good.

Do not delay,

We’ll make you pay.

Baubles will fall

Down to the floor.

Lights will come down,

They’ll hit the ground.

Chaos will reign,

Causing you pain.

Tree it will pay,

If you delay.

Food in my dish,

Could stop all this.

Meowy, meowy, meowy, meowy Christmas

Meowy, meowy, meowy, meowy Christmas

Food, food they send,

Nom without end.

My tummy full,

Dish needs refill

[Repeat from beginning]

Om, nom, om, nom

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The Twelve Days of Christmas – Cat Style

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On the first day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the second day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the third day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the fourth day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the fifth day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the sixth day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

six toys for playing

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the seventh day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

seven strings for swatting

six toys for playing

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the eighth day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

eight hacked up fur balls

seven strings for swatting

six toys for playing

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the ninth day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

nine field mice wriggling

eight hacked up fur balls

seven strings for swatting

six toys for playing

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the tenth day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

ten bugs a’crawling

nine field mice wriggling

eight hacked up fur balls

seven strings for swatting

six toys for playing

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas

my kitty brought to me

eleven fleas a’hopping

ten bugs a’crawling

nine field mice wriggling

eight hacked up fur balls

seven strings for swatting

six toys for playing

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

 

On the twelfth day of Christmas

my kitty gave to me

twelve cicadas humming

eleven fleas a’hopping

ten bugs a’crawling

nine field mice wriggling

eight hacked up fur balls

seven strings for swatting

six toys for playing

five chewed up things

four mauled birds

three dead hens

two torn up doves

and a nest he knocked out of a tree

by Karen Mulvey

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I Think My Cat is Trying to Kill Me!

Last December I celebrated my 50th birthday. My husband wanted to get a gift that would have special significance for me. So instead of choosing diamonds or other such baubles, I chose a pair of roller skates. Now I know this is probably not the type of gift every women craves, but I had wanted skates since I was a little girl. So being the fantastic guy he is he bought me some, and I got to learning how to skate.

We are blessed with a home that has lovely wooden floors and rooms spacious enough for me to skate around in, so I assumed – incorrectly it now appears – that this would be the ideal place for me to practice.

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While being able to skate at home has it’s advantages,  it now also appears to have it’s disadvantages. On the one hand – or I should say foot – I can practice whenever I want,  on the other it means I have to manoeuvre around my cat. This was not a factor I had taken into account when I imagined myself gliding gracefully around.  You see my cat Lestat is extremely lazy, and I have often thought that a sloth would move more often than his is likely to. Well all I can say is, never underestimate the speed and stealth of a cat that is jealous and is plotting against you. He’s got that killer look in his eyes – kind of like De Niro in Taxi Driver – and I’m beginning to get a little worried.

I suspect Lestat has been watching too much TVLet me tell you, there is nothing guaranteed to cause your life to flash before your eyes quite like having a cat dart out in front you while you’re trying to keep your balance on skates.

When I confronted him about his behaviour he feigned innocence, and actually appeared offended! He’s aware that he’s got me wrapped around his paw so I am clearly at a disadvantage.

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Anyway he can pretend all he wants but it’s pretty clear to me that he’s got it in for me – at least when I’ve got my skates on. Anyway I’d better go now because he’s giving me the look, I suspect he knows I’m writing about him. I don’t want to provoke him further. Who knows what he is capable of!

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Photo of Robert De Niro from the film “Taxi Driver” Image may be subject to copyright

Sour Puss

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My cat Lestat parades around like he owns the world, I’m sure that in his furry little head he imagines that he is a panther stalking stealthily through a tropical rainforest. He is elegant and haughty, he is independent and bold; to those who observe him he is the ruler of his domain.

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If any mere mortal even attempts to touch him unbidden, they will receive a rebuff so cutting, they will be left red-faced and rejected. Of course I wish he were more affectionate and cuddly, but would I love him more if he was? Of course not. I love him just the way he is, with all his faults and foibles.

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No matter how many times he rejects me I will continue to pursue him. No matter how many times he runs away from me, I will always be ready to scoop him up in my arms whenever he’s ready to come back. My love for Lestat reminds me of the way that God loves you and I. It doesn’t matter to God how many times we reject him, it will never stop him loving us. Sure, he’d like us to love him as madly as he loves us, but he’s not going to force us into a relationship with him. He wants our love freely given not coerced, and he’s prepared to wait – arms open wide – until we’re ready. God’s love for you is outrageous, scandalous and unfathomable, and that should be enough to make any sour puss smile.

O Lord, You are good and ready to forgive; Your loyal love flows generously over all who cry out to You. Psalm 86:5 – The Voice

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Buttons the Crazy Black Cat

Well the week is half over and Friday is finally in sight. Can I get a hallelujah?

So to celebrate, and put a smile on the faces of those who may have been struggling a bit this week,  I thought I’d share a video that my very talented son made in his animation class yesterday –  he’s studying film and animation and just between you and me I think he’s amazing!

I had absolutely no idea what he was planning when he asked me to raid my sewing cupboard for scraps of fur, hot glue and some buttons. Who knew there was a cute little kitty cat just waiting to emerge?

 

“A cheerful disposition is good for your health; gloom and doom leave you bone-tired.” Proverbs 17:22